Peer Advocacy

Getting a new job as an MHFRA, that is Mental Health Family Resource Aid. Hope I can do a good job. It involves giving support to other people like me, and helping them with social skills, getting out into the community, etc... Also more pay which is great.
I am enjoying the Fall weather, the trees have been in full color all Autumn and it is just lately starting the rain. We all are getting together at Mom's for Thanksgiving.

Last day of August

I cant believe summer is almost over. I just entered the Mayors art show and find out tomorrow if I make it. Also got elected to board at SAFE and another position as Lane Co rep of some Committee recently. Hope I don't go bonkers but it's fun. LOL sometimes boring. Been painting alot even did Don Quixote and a windmill. Boys are good, Phil is fighting fires, my son. that is. I love the quality of light in august and the sunflowers, the smell in the air, even the field burning. I love this time of year, back to school and fall soon to come.

Passion for IT

indecent orange
dancing with bright yellow
flames
upon my canvas
at art therapy
we talk of winning the show
of learning too slow
Lily reads my tea leaves
you have money in your
future
far away now
I lean over the canvas
carefully apply
antique gold
and smile

Medium Yellow Dark

running paint
melting colors
feel like mine
grasp their time
to concentrate the point
of my intention
Sunflowers burst forth
Seedy and ripe
on my page
heavy with paint
I run too from you
Hide in the stock-still
moment
I dip my brush in
amber fire
my heart beats at the end
of my No 5 brush

Change of Plans

the paint confounds me
dripping lightly
into the white
no!
not as I had planned
just as my life
veers into
unknown territory
I have to make it beautiful
hours go by
in an instant
I work on it

I tried to delete this but decided I wasn't smart enough so anyway I'm using this blog just to write down poety from now on just for myself.

whats the point

who cares
no one comes
Im the one
who reads
I publish poems
that I peruse
no one else will see
why come
to my shitty blog
nothing here to see
so go away
before you come
you'll be happier, you see

Poem

The Missing Piece

gnarled hemisphere
tangled plaque
somewhere in there
is what I lack
moronic lobe
twisted path
why does my brain suffer
what others lack
gimme a co cktail
gimme some smack
gimme some chemical
to make up for this lack
so I can go smiling
robotic and slack
and pick up the pieces
the pieces I lack

Hellers Paradox

"The chaplain had sinned, and it was good...The chaplain had mastered, in a moment of divine intuition, the handy technique of protective rationalization, and he was exhilarated by his discovery. It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character."

Is this what we are reduced to then? Our government, our generation, our world? Me, me me?

Why have character? Heller, makes the point, why? Who benefits, why we do, if we have a soul!

Does that make me crazy?

Im a little psychotic today, er, this week. I see the black birds fly overhead and as they go by they change into colorful birds of paradise. The sparrows chirp my name and look into my very soul. If only they spoke English I feel they could tell me so many things. I have spent a lot of time sketching an old cow's skull I have had for years, I collect skulls. I have a mouse, a fox, a cow, deer, and an unknown, coyote, maybe. I feel very detatched, high, and floaty, not unpleasant but with an undertone of anxiety (pop goes the Ativan) I spend a lot of time alone. I wonder a lot about everything, what matters, why bother, etc... But I'm OK. The medicine is increased and is now flowing freely, damping off my mind. Backing it off into reality again. Sometimes it comes back for a second, the tunnel vision, the bright colors, the high feeling of ultimate knowledge. BUt that's just me. And I "gotta be me" like the song says. Thanks for putting up with that guys.
Love and Peace
Dulcinea

Dead Man

James! What dead man is in Yossarians tent? When he complains to superiors he is ignored? Is there really a dead man? Is is a delusion? Is he crazy? Do you know what I mean?

Ode to "Blondie" (inspired and mostly ripped off from the B-52's)

sung to the tune of "Debbie"


Blondie
Radio operator to the tower
Blondie's coming' in for a landing
Oh put your head between your knees
Caused by the vibrations of love
They're about to shake Dr. Long to pieces

(Chorus)
Shell-shocked supersonic blonde
Hyperphonic female
Dark sunglasses on
Everyone is here to see
Her all-girl rock band

Vortex pulls him in
Vortex spits him out
Blue-eyed glitter child strappin'
on her computer
We witness the utltrasonic imploding
impartation
Bodies exhausted in total elation

(CHorus)

Oh Blondie
Queen of the underground
Carrying her computer
The battle over
My downtown baby is headin home
Singing a song
She's walking along
She's walking along the blog
Now she's typing my way
As our hearts and our dark sunglasses lock

(CHorus)

Every day-every day
Just a little bit wilder
Every day-every day
Just a little bit tighter
Every day-every day
Just a little bit wilder
Every day-every day
Take it a little bit higher!

Has War Driven Them Sane?

In Catch-22 by Joseph Heller I am often left dumbfounded by his language. Some of my favorite quotes.
"There's no patriotism, that's what it is. And no matriotism, either."

"THe Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likable. In three days no one could stand him."

"I am Captain Yossarian....of the fighting 256th Squadron...that's two to the fighting eighths power....if you're thinking of writing a symbolic poem about our squadron."

LOL

I believe the remark about being in love with the chaplain simply must be a foreshadowing of Yossarians death. what do you think James? On to chapter two?

That F*#king Bipolar Train

The rain in my brain
falls mainly on my pain

give me some rain to wash away the stain
put the blame on mame
cuz I can't take the shame
I don't know my name
and I search in vain
in vain
in vain
and here
comes
the train

The blame for the pain
is because of the train
that runs thru my terrain
and the main refrain
(which always sounds the same
says shame, shame, shame
you broke your picture frame
now bow down for the crane
that holds your load of pain
than rains upon your brain
that tries to hide the strain
of this horrible refrain

the stain
will ere remain
will ere remain

who else could contain?
this brain
of pain?
of rain?
and disdain?
And how I wish that godamn train would STOP!

But here it comes on the track
Clickity clack, yakity yak,
full of smack and new attack

I'm tied to the track

Here comes the new surprise
All my truth has turned to lies
All my gods to evil eyes
so the rain turns up the pain
The blooming stain
runs in the rain

Whats on the track?
thats my brain
there's my pain
hear the refrain?

Pain is pain rain is rain
but my brain is but a stain where the train stopped
to dump and strain
all the dross and all the drain
from the alien remains

Oh how I hate these F&*%ing TRAINS!!!

5/15/07

Good day. Did Yoga in the park with a high priestess, June. Felt better because I "forgot" my Klonipin. Also feel much better for real because Cindy is putting me on Ativan instead, she says it's much faster acting than klon. That is a big relief as I have been spontaneously falling asleep in the middle of activities. Not fun. Yesterday I took three naps. Im a wreck. She, Cindy, the pdoc, asked how everything else was and I forgot to tell her the rest but for now this is good. Very good. During meditation I focused on a golden spiral.

MT blues

When I first started at MT (yes this is my own secret code) I was lost and felt alone. I had been dx as bipolar for about 6 months and on depakote. My hair was falling out, I was fat, I lay around the house most of the day staring, not caring. I started to get into posting on a neat online community called MT. I used to just read mostly. Usually a few posts in the afternoon after finally dragging myself into some clothes just in time to make dinner. I'd post a few half hearted attempts myself. It was confusing at first, so many topics so many people. Then I noticed a few stand out people, one guy in particular who rhymes with enigmaromper. He was a gas, so much energy! He'd say "Dulcinea Rules" LOL. Made me smile! Nice Lady named Blondie responded to my tentative post "Im new here" she sounded so welcoming. Encouraged me to stay on my meds. I was suicidal. Course I didnt say so. I was manic, depressed, hyper, slow...you name it. Some days I typed for an hour and came away feeling really good. Better about myself. Blondie told me, keep my chin up, you're not alone, she was nice to me! I felt like a person, like I hadn't in a long time. Then I branched out a little. Cardznutz started telling me about his Sociology class! Now there was a dude after my own heart. He hates injustice and so do I. Alas I had such a hard time navagating the dang site! the Dopamax was doing it's work. For a while I drifted through the maze of MT ranting and raving sweet nothings until I found the musinators and cardznutz again and found likeminded ones again. What fun we had! Meeting manic, depressed, affected, defective, everyone open and nice. I liked it until the doctor was in....

testing

http://music.aol.com/video/you-get-what-you-give/new-radicals/1346417 Hey that didnt work but this is a really good song.

med change

eyes everywhere
alias unknown
no ones home

the red eye opens
searching for me
cant let it see
i'm here all alone

windows uncurtained
leave too much to see
crouched in the corner
thats me

if my soul were unburdened
would it float to the sea
sink to the depths
where i could be free

the unblinking eye
keeps me in my place

frozen in time
frozen in space

i stay in this room
this cell
my place
with peeling lead paint
and scabs on my face
i rock back and forth
and chew on my tongue

and the horrid huge eye
stares on and on

Silence

I am not here
Just a shell
My mind skips like a stone
over smooth water
irretrievable thoughts
outrace my feelings
and sink to the bottom
where they glisten
but remain hidden
safe even from
myself

boundary

Stars overhead
reel and spin
the blackness
sucks me in
I feel my soul slip and sway
only flesh keeps me
Or I would fly away